The Beeje

I haven't really spilled the bean about my Beeje trip to anyone yet... I'm meaning to write a letter to Aunt Pat, and now that I have some girlfriends I could surely chat with them a bit ... and have... but I guess God's the only person I've really bared my soul to and let's be frank: that's great. As Mr Brame said on Wednesday, when you get to the point where it's in God's hands that's actually a very happy place to be. Agreed.

Well. Anyway.

I believed I was going to have an excellent excursion to the Beeje because I considered myself to be going with God and only God. No parent or friend there - just me and God and it was incredibly special to just continually talk to Him. Obviously i've seen that I should do this far more often.

Why was I continually crying out to Him? Obviously there were a lot of praises to send to Him... for instance I was just awed over and over again to look at God's creation from the P.O.V. of the airplane, and was so blessed by the scenery and weather in SC... had many people go to lengths to assist me here and there... but beyond that I very constantly asked God simply to "Help" me or to "Be my strength" because I tend to doubt what I'm saying (in conversation) or wearing or sharing when I'm around my peers. Obviously I don't suffer this with my preschool job surrounded by kids nad moms and dads... but on a college campus... my vanity creeps to the surface of my heart (shamefully admitted) and I second guess everything I do, doubting that salvation keeps judgement at bay from other Christians... this just isn't Christlike. He has given us a sound mind; not a spirit of fear. That includes our confidence or lack there of. That includes MY confidence or lack there of.

I am such an incomplete piece of God's work... I am so sinful. And I hate that.

I was also just moved to share my testimony in at least a small way... God highlighted to me, what a GIFT... of GOOD NEWS I have been given in salvation. Obviously God's plan for us to do His Work is EXTREMELY important in the Christian life... it reveals to us just how graciously we've been dealt with to be assured of our eternal home and knowledgeable about life (not to mention peaceful, content, joyful) but it also impresses a burden, a loving burden, to save the lost... who are just... blind! They have no defense. Their excuses ring empty even to their own ears. Perhaps that's why there are so many intellectual types who are "athiests" ... they are too bright to believe the flimsy excuses of good works, or reincarnation so they just choose to deny God altogether. That is a much easier rebuke to give than "Well I believe I'll turn into a butterfly when i die" ... wow.

I do'nt know why God has sought me and redeemed me and given me so much wisdom and so many blessings... I KNOW i don't deserve them. I know that from recalling the past, and I know that because God can see my future and he probably sees all the wormlike folly I'll give in to... Prayerfully I won't.

I met some great Christian souls at the Beeje... some questionable types as well. Some handsome handsome men stepped into my life briefly a few times... and then back out. I saw interesting school work, and incredible talent... and lacking classwork and un-tamed talent. I was happy in the presence of peers, and homesick.

I think the best part of the three days on campus was when I sat down on a bench in the late afternoon and read my Bible. I've always been happy to spend time alone - especially in nature. It's hard for me to understand people who don't ever do this - it just seems so easy to get a hold of God this way. Maybe that was an error-filled statement to make. don't know. I was also really touched when I saw the multimedia promotional video depicting a years worth of time at the university. I was just overwhelmed when i saw the campus' candlelight singing of Silent night and imagined I would be doing that soon. I say soon because obviously, time flies the older we get.

I have a lot to pray about. And I still need to figure out some way to be a better teacher to my students. I have been so unhappy in m y classroom lately. There must be some unconfessed sin I'm harboring during my school day because I have been saying "Help God" constantly... it's hard. What do I do? They won't listen if I'm nice... they restist if I'm tough... God can help me with this though. I need to seek Him.

I can't believe how God has given me the friends I've asked for. :)

My personal selfish wish is that He would quickly bring a man to marry into my life... man's job. Man that find's a wife finds a good thing.

Can you believe that my second night there I walked into the dorm room into a conversation about anorexia? I kept praying Lord what do you want me to do? To leave? To speak about my own experience? To challenge these girls? To listen quietly? I promised God if the conversation opened a door for me to step into it I would but that didn't happen. I don't know if I missed my chance there or what but nonetheless it was hard enough to be part of the conversation. Let's just point out that the girls wouldn't have spoken about anorexia in front of me so blatantly if they had thought I was ill in anyway. So that's a good thing.

I don't hold onto that anymore... I can't ever separate myself from anorexia and bulimia because that is the central part of testimony. I almost died there... I lost everything to this ugly addictive sin, there was pleasure for a season, I was desolate and bitter, and then God pulled me out of the miry clay.

i trip so often. I've got to stop doing that. I am such a worm.

I hate the version of "At the Cross" that takes out the lyrics "Such a worm as I" because I think anyone who's ever really had to pull themself away from a sin, and then has given into temptation later on and had to restart and repull away realizes what a worm they are. I am nothing... and yet I feel how special I am to God, or rather know how special I am through the lengths he goes to to reach me. I know everyone is this precious in his sight and I should dwell on that more... it sure helps with witnessing.

And judgeing... it's hard not to judge someone. I don't mean blunt obvious judgements like - that person is gossiping, or this person does not treat their students gently ("...gentle, apt to teach") ... but those knee jerk judgements like - wow, look how mcuh makeup she's wearing, or ew he's got an earing... that's judgement. That's petty.

Well. Enough for now.

It was an excellent trip and I think I sday that because I enjoyed it and was challenged... I did things I didn't want to do and God walked besides. I firmly believe He did.

Babysitting tonight.

I just am excited to get there. I never would have thought this could logistically happen - go to a college in another state... a private school... a monster tuition to pay... but I feel so capable in God's hands. I want the Lord to use me... and I know I must become more of who He wants me to be. i don't know if he will stop blessing me ... I don't deserve what I do have. I am reading Job right now so you can see how I just... know that He gives and takes away. But I am not perfect like Job was so ... he'll delight in me if I delight in Him. And I do. I'm just not enough. i'm too quick when I speak... too vain... too selfish.