Well Done

Onward and upward
Heaven is there
Jesus, my Father,
His voice I will hear
I long for His face
as I walk by His grace
O Lord draw me near,
draw me near


I feel broken hearted and whole at the same time.
How is that possible?
I can't comprehend time - time has accomplished a year.
My kids, my kids. My heart is so sad when I wonder how I'll bear no more "Miss Elise, I love you" and days filled with hugs. No more laughter from little mouths.... no more crying... no more correcting... no more playing with kids toys... no more coloring... no more singing simple songs.... how will it be, to have that all gone? This is what I wonder. I wonder how I will wake up in the morning and go to my task, if my task does not include a dozen faces running at me with joy for the first of many hugs. I've tried not to take it for granted; no I've been missing them for months now, when they've still been there. But I still sit and wonder how I've come so far. Of course the answer is my Savior. And what can I say? This is my thought: I could have done more. As I left the building yesterday, tears tears tears, tears all week long - I just wanted to run away from the pain of saying goodbye. I wanted so badly something that would rip the pain right out of the inside of me and throw it away -I wished I couldn't feel it. But I have a soul - how else to explain this untouchable sense of grief that hurts worse than any injury? I also have this competing feeling of gladness that my emotions are there and are running a course... I left the building yesterday and couldn't help but think - I've accomplished the time appointed to me, and what would I say? Well done. Yes. But I could have done more. And I thought, and still think, how much more so if I go to Heaven without having tried harder? I wish the Father could hold me right now. I held the children yesterday, the last time, not knowing if I'll ever have my own children to hold, perhaps it would only be them, I thought of their smiles - they were comforted, and I was the comforter. Oh I wish I could be held by my Comforter right now.