Morning Rumble

I should be taking all this to God, and I have.

Sometimes though, I wish I had a friend to tell all this too. I guess that's my point in keeping a blog at all... the desire to be heard. I suppose that makes these writings false coping mechanisms but.... so be it.

See the probblem here is I don't want just any friend; I want a Godly friend. I do. So much of my time throughout each day is spent thinking of my Lord, fearing my Lord, praying to the Lord, reading about the Lord and talking tot he Lord... I don't have any desire to confide in someone who will shun or mock any of this... and I would LOVE to talk with someone in turn who understands this and has a life that is somewhat similar. I;ve been looking for a friend like this for a while now and I'll keep trucking b/c so far, I don't seem to have found this person.

All this is prefacing the voicemails from my friend Rae I listened to this morning. She lamented how once I left UCF I had stopped "allowing her in". To be brief about all that was said and exchanged I'll say this: I am picking up on a few things from her that I think might be at the root of what she calls a broken heart over her first best friend "leaving" her.

I think in our friendship, I depended on her. I was a weak, clingy, possessive, depressed person at UCF. She was very encouraging for me as a friend; she listened and glorified me and made allowances for all my shortcomings. In this way I was so selfish! I ate all this up with desire to hear her praise me for my talents, or my inner person, or my outer beauty. I remember that I tried to return this to her but I often heard a little voice that said "Oh please say something kind about me!" I vainly desired all this praise, and b/c it came freely and swiftly I clung to Rae. I melded into who she was.

I know a lot of young folks feel they become who they spend time with and I always did. It annoyed me that I jjust immediately became a replica of whoever I was around. I would say now that this is because, as I suspected even then, that I had no moral or spiritual base of my own. I didn't have guidelines to operate off of or authority to yield to. I am a stout and assured person these days and I don't change with my company. This is such a peaceful way to be! Praise God.

Regarding Rae and I's friendship; I told her any and everything and likewise her to me. We went everywhere together, and in general we were just really in the know about what was going on in the other person's head. In that sense she called us Kindred Spirits and I agreed. We had an empathy and understanding of eachother that seemed inherited and ingrained, and impossible to be learned. When I left UCF after year 1 for a summer we were ready for a break from eachother, as I recall. We had had several spats ( one where I pulled out this infamous old habit of mine of REFUSING to speak with or acknowledge the offending party) and she had a boyfriend as well I didn't, I was full of conflicting ideas about the future of my life, and was in general unhealthy. I needed rest, rejuvention, space... and so did she, I assume. So we had no grand farewell the last time we spent together. It was just a fun morning.

When I decided not to immediately come back to UCF, it was I who felt the burden of this. My friends were doing things, and going places I had expected to do and go to. There was a world at UCF that was spinning while I was far away, unable to even watch. However, especially as time has progressed, I can see how Rae might feel like SHE is hte one on the outside. In time past, when I've been left sitting in a place that I have long shared with another and their time comes to leave, I have felt wretching emptiness, so heavy that I didn't understand it. Maybe this is similar to what she describes as her broken heart and not being allowed - that word yes - into my life anymore.

I considered those words and decided that she is right. I have closed up some holes in me that used to gush and leak out thoughts and feelings. Most strikingly, I have sutered up the ones that flooded bitterness and distrust and misunderstanding and loneliness and weariness. There were the streams that that tumbled toward any bent ear and kept my arms strained out like a baby waiting to be picked up. These were the endless conversations in my mind betweenst me and Satan that ended with a grand decision to force someone to care by "starving" myself to the size of a child. Those floodgates are no longer opened and to be honest - there is no wall of emotion pushing on them to be let out anymore. Sometimes I release a chanel of sadness at some passing event, but it is never a joy kill.

This past weekend has been profound... a narrow path? does that mean a path without people you love? what does it mean to feel so shunned and rejected?

Here i was thinking how could ANYONE prefer me as the rebellious then depressed then bitter person I was for so long, compared with who I a learning to be now?

I suppose some people must think I am warping up to become some manic protesting hateful judgemental picketing controlling jerk who will call them a sinner and shun them otherwise... I don't want any of these cruel, loud existances. If I were to pick and choose what I want... rather I'd say were God to see fit to shower me with blessings, I'd hope for a home, a husband, a family, our health, careers, and to be a light to Jesus for others... there may be times when we feel called to support or protest something but I've seen that compassion is more illuminating than condemnation. Does that mean we are not supposed to Judge? Does that mean that God doesn't judge? No and no... but I am not gearing up to become someone angry and radical. One of my goals as I begin this new year is to become a "biblical" woman. To hold my tongue, work hard, bot be lazy, be virtuous... etc etc... hopefully as I study I'll be able to illuminate on that more. Anyway.

Who can I share this joy with? Who will rejoice with me? God. If God is all I have then I am already blessed a million times over. Our church service was swell this morning. Glad it's Sunday.