Taken

I saw Natl Treasure book of secrets, just tonight. It was stellar - though so unrealistic! But ah, who cares really when the action is witty and thrilling? Not I.

My mom thinks I'm a radical submissive pansy without thoughts or talents or dreams... she thinks I've become someone to be ashamed of. If I were to let my mind rip onto her I'd scream "But you've always been ashamed of me! First I was too fat, then I was a brat, then I was a loser, then I was too fat again, then I was too thin, then I was throwing my life away, and now I'm too content!" sigh. I've begun to find it very easy to hold my tongue... my heart is just too heavy to talk.

I suppose my mom is afraid that I'll become a copycat of my dad who she feels let her down and wronged her and now is some religious zealot tyrant. I know wh y she thingkst hat way - my dad's made many mistakes in his life... but this is my mom... she refuses to identify her role in anything. I've never met a greater queen of denial. If something threatens her oh so fragile security nest she either freaks out and then ignores it, or just plain ignores it from the get go. Her every move throughout the day is teetering on the brink of an irate blowup... the sight of the dog's pee in the wrong spot or dirty dishes waiting washing can send her off the edge...

So, it's hard to please her. She doesn't like my haircut, doesn't like my career, doesn't like my friends, my clothes... and now the school I've pursued has sent her recoiling from me.

How do I feel? I feel like a distant dirty offense left sitting quietly on a floor in the midst of an exclusive little society that operates off of demands I just can't figure out. OH, how I've TRIED to figure out the code into this little world in which my mom does her balancing walk and my sister and brothers make her preen... but I never make it in... maybe I get close sometimes, but not in.

I"ve had a few memorable, genuine, loving moments with my mom in the past several years and I will cherish them and wait, hopefully for new ones.

It is so hard to comprehend being an object of distress and disdain in a person's life when they ARE your life... The very person who raised me and bathed me and fed me and taught me... could in turn dislike me with so much boldness???

I just sit and think that tomorrow is not a garuntee for me, or my mom, or both of us. Why don't I try harder to be a pleasure to her? Why won't she rest in my company?

If I like my short hair cut, why can't she look for a way to like it? I prefer her hair differently... but I can't imagine telling her so, because... it just doesn't MATTER! What matters is her heart, her joy, her health... not her hair, no matter HOW I like it colored or cut.

My heart is so heavy. Sometimes I wish my family would spy on me and read my thoughts and journals and develop some some SOME sort of compassion in my direction.

TO THINK! Of All the "problems" or behaviors I could fall victim to ... of all the paths I could or could not pursue..., of all the goals I could set before myself... of all the ways I could bring shame to my family, THIS is what FREAKS her out?

I have finally begun to feel like thesame person that I was as a little girl and I thihnk this is very important - who we are as a child is who we ARE ... our natural appearance and behaviors nad demeanors... they are ingrained in us and on display in our youth... I've had folks compliment me on my character lately... it makes me pause and wonder and rejoice!! It's been a long time since someone's had something swell to say about the very person I am...

My mom has forgotten that when I was rebelious and faithless as a teenager that I acted stupidly and brought her shame several notable times!! WHY would it be a BAD thing that I change into THIS person???

Bu tyou know what? I am just going to work harder. I've been slacking and have had harsh tones and unkind words and haven't reached out enough in general. I will prove to her the value of my faith, according to God' plan.

Going to church with a light heart is so very different from going to church with a burdened heart. I don't aim to be some overbearing presence with judgement in my eyes and criticism on my lips... I just want to live to my Lord's glory. In doing so my heart is full. I don't want much. I desire a simple existance, with my eyes turned to God. He says the way is narrow. He has and will bless as I scooch down this narrow lane. I have hopes and promises to sustain me and a friend to comfort and hide me.

As much as I love nad long for my mother, I can not value her and her untouchable ideals over the Lord. People will fail us - God will not.

When your mother and father forsake you...